Satire: “The Bone” to Tighten Food Security

By Noah Weinrich

REYKJAVIK, ICELAND—In order to prevent food pilfering, wastage, embezzlement, and other felonious offenses in the dining hall, Budget On-Campus Nutrition Executives, the dining providers at Iceland Community College, have announced a plan to implement stricter controls on dining hall traffic.  The comprehensive security measures will be put in place at the beginning of the Fall 2016 semester.

BONE has already announced their controversial “One-Cup Policy”, which dictates strict adherence to one drink and one fruit/dessert item.  From now on, according to a spokesman from BONE, all drinks must be opened and all fruit peeled for inspection by a Takeout Security Agent upon exit from the area.

In addition, the food reserves will be protected from would-be burglars by an outside security force with a security checkpoint at the exit. The force will be instructed to discourage all food carry-outs: they will replace Blue Hat coffee with lukewarm Folgers, chocolate chip cookies with half-baked oatmeal raisin, and apples with old tomatoes.  When asked for comment, BONE Chief of Security responded: “Food security is no joke. If we allowed students to take out cereal or soup in one of our scarce to-go containers, who knows what they would take out next? A whole pineapple? It could be anything.”

At other colleges, BONE has already implemented similar measures. National controversy erupted last March when students at Burr College organized a sit-in to attempt to eat as much at their dining hall as possible. BONE brought in a specialized team to serve the students only milk steak and raw jelly beans for the duration of their protest.

It remains unclear how these policies will affect students, but several claims of profiling have already emerged. Joshua Garber, defensive end on the ICC football team, said he was accosted by a TSA when he tried to exit. According to Garber,  the TSA demanded to check his socks for coffee stirrers and napkins.  “Napkin nabbing and stirrer stealing is our #1 expense here at the Bone, and it just makes financial sense to employ me full time to prevent such despicable behavior,” explained the TSA, who would prefer to remain anonymous for food security reasons.

In addition to these measures, several agents will begin a mobile patrol during peak hours of risk performing randomized stop-and-frisk searches, patterned after New York City’s successful law enforcement technique.   

In some of these circumstances, representatives from BONE have performed cavity searches to prevent smuggling attempts. “So far this month, we’ve recovered thirteen grapes, two pounds of pasta, a whole pizza, and several unauthorized to-go cups of coffee concealed in patrons’ clothing or on their persons,” said a BONE spokesperson.

While most of the traffic control has been to stop unlawful export of BONE’s property (i.e. the food on the students’ meal plans), there have been other issues as well. According to several reports, one student was detained after bringing in a freshly dead muskrat (colloquially referred to as “skrat”) and requesting an omelette chef to “fry ‘im up good.”  

Recent reports allege that full body scanners and dental checks to prevent unnecessary food waste are coming in future semesters. BONE could not be reached for comment.

Noah Weinrich is a sophomore studying politics.

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