Satire: Bernie Sanders

By Noah Weinrich

HILLSDALE, MI

First Speaker Arnn, now Professor Sanders. Hillsdale is joining the Revolution.

In a press release Monday, Christopher Sullivan announced U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) as the newest Distinguished Visiting Professor of Economics. In the announcement, Sullivan stated that the newest addition to the campus would bring a novel outsider’s voice to Hillsdale College and, more importantly, a higher level of economic understanding.

Sanders has been in the news recently as a prominent candidate in the Democratic primary for the 2016 presidential election, marked by his energetic on-stage antics and whisperings of sweet nothings into the collective ears of the nation.

When asked by a local reporter why Sanders was chosen, Sullivan responded that he “felt that the economics program focuses too much on the so-called ‘free market’ and too little on the moral tyranny of American capitalism. In addition, of course, he’ll teach for free, as he believes salaries are exploitation.”

Students’ reactions to the announcement have been mixed. Katie Jensen, junior philosophy major, expressed her concerns over Sanders’ arrival. “Look, we all love Bernie, but do we really need another OWM [Old White Male] coming in and talking down to us? I mean, he’s a U.S. Senator from Vermont. What’s more White Privilege than that?”

When asked what prompted this addition, the administration mentioned the fact that Sanders’ recent stop at Liberty University was the first in a sequence of campaign stops which will ultimately include Bob Jones University, Oral Roberts University, Brigham Young University, and other bastions of conservative thought named after men made wealthy from their religious movements.

“We’ve been feeling that we need to put the ‘liberal’ back into ‘liberal arts,’” one administrator stated. “I think it’s about time we feel the Bern.”

Some students had different takes: “His whole fashion sense screams fiscal responsibility,” said sophomore Mark Naida when asked about the announcement. “He’s really on the cutting edge of normcore, which is something we’ve gotta have more of here.”

“Personally I don’t think it’s a good idea to host someone who hasn’t built up a name for himself yet,” said freshman John Youngman. “I mean, I’ve never seen this guy talking on Fox News, or even on Hannity. I just don’t see why we couldn’t get someone with a little bit more national recognition, like George Pataki or Jim Gilmore. That would be a dream.”

In unrelated news, several economics and politics professors have recently been hospitalized with various unexplained cardiac arrests and minor strokes.

Noah Weinrich is a sophomore studying politics and English.

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