Satire: Freshman Disorientation

By Noah Weinrich

Among the reunited friends and classmates returning to Hillsdale College this fall wanders a strange new social group: a swarm of wide-eyed, eager students commonly referred to as “freshmen.” They explore the campus, taking pictures in front of Ronald Reagan and Central Hall. An investigation into these newcomers has yielded several key statistics: 64% have expressed an intention to major in politics, 224 have expressed that they “cannot wait to meet their professors and make new friends,” and there are approximately .82 National Review subscriptions per capita.The arrival of these interlopers, with parents and younger siblings in tow, has confused many upperclassmen, such as junior Wendy Berrell, majoring in philosophy and history.

“I don’t really know what’s going on here,” Berrell said. “When I arrived on campus, I came alone and immediately moved to an off-campus house, immersing myself in the contemplative life. I strongly disapprove of these ignorant youngsters.”

Reactions from others have been more positive, however. 

“I’m just happy that there are finally more women on campus to Hillsdate after my courtship fell through,” sophomore Smith Adamson said.

While she said that she was at first unnerved by the unexpected sight of young strangers on her campus, fifth-year senior Patricia de Neen stated that she is starting to warm up to the idea of new students.

“While our class was, of course, the Most Intelligent Hillsdale Class™, maybe it wouldn’t be a bad thing to have some obviously less worthy students on campus,” de Neen said. “After all, I need some practice tutoring before I start teaching at a classical school.”

Contrary to the perception of many upperclassmen, several new arrivals were, in fact, able to form coherent sentences and express simple thoughts. Some were thrilled to be arriving on campus for the first time, while others were experiencing culture shock. 

“Sufjan Stevens? Is he a philosophy professor?” asked one freshman, apparently unfamiliar with the Detroit-born songwriter. 

Another freshman, Nebraska-born Perry Larn, already had his lifestyle planned out for the semester. 

“I’ll probably plan on going to bed around 9:30 weekday nights and getting up at 6:30 in order to get dressed and get breakfast before my 8 a.m. calculus class,” Larn sad. “Then I’ll be out of class at 2, which means I should be done with my homework before dinner, right?”

At time of press, the cafeteria has been segregated completely, with the upperclassmen demanding booths and round tables, forcing the novice learners into the undesirable long and square tables. Within this squalid section, gang wars have begun to emerge between the Californians and the Michiganders, with the former using their longboards as offensive weapons and the latter attempting to smother their opposition with their many layers of clothing.

One biology major, however, is not worried about these new additions. 

“The lifespan of a freshman is severely limited,” says junior Stephanie Hawking. 

She predicts that only 30% of these wide-eyed neophytes will survive to January, citing frostbite, taco Tuesdays, and midterms as the primary causes of death.

Noah Weinrich is a sophomore studying politics and English. 

Image courtesy Elena Creed. 

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