Satire: Careful research indicates that the intent of the founders was pretty racist

by Andy Reuss

Colonial Correspondent

HILLSDALE COLLEGE, Kendall Hall (Hillsdale Spectator wire) — Recent studies at Hillsdale College have concluded that, contrary to popular belief, the Founding was in fact racist and sexist.

“Yeah, it turns out that the Founding Fathers kind of hated white guys. After all, the entire project started because some rich W.A.S.P. was a jerk to the colonists,” said Dr. Claremont-Dallas, professor of politics. “The Declaration makes some grand gestures about ‘Laws of Nature’, but in the end, the real beef is with the King of Britain — a white man.”

Dr. Claremont-Dallas went on to explain that the Constitution and the Federalist Papers remain even better examples of rampant racism and sexism.

“What do you think a ‘more perfect union’ looked like to the Framers? One that was single-handedly mismanaged by an ivory fool? No.” Claremont-Dallas said. “The Constitution is predicated on the notion that when government is left in the hands of men, it will inevitably go wrong. ‘If men were angels’ is the thinnest veil imaginable; more like ‘you guys are terrible, and it’s only a matter of time until you mess everything up!’”

The student body was shaken by this discovery, as it undermines the historical understanding of the Founding. “How are we supposed to believe in a system of government if it isn’t constructed in order to provide white males political advantage?” a freshman student was overheard, saying. “My faith in this country is shaken. I’m not sure what to do.”

Other students have publicly rejected the conclusion, arguing that it is an unfair and unfounded claim.

“I suppose you think the exclusion of explicit mentions of race in the Declaration or Constitution shows some sort of apprehensiveness towards institutionalized racism, too?” said a senior politics major who wishes to remain nameless. “Clearly, the men and women of the Revolutionary era would not have fought a war if they didn’t believe white males would always be fully capable of governing without restraint. I have a hard time imagining Betsy Ross finishing that first flag without including a little embroidered ‘patriarchy!’ at the bottom.”

To the surprise of many on Hillsdale’s campus, the announcement caused little, if any, reaction among the greater political audience.

“Sure…I guess you could say that the Founders didn’t like white guys? I’m not sure that it matters, since the government they created worked out pretty well,” sophomore Timothy Sticknie said. “The society wasn’t perfect, but then again it’s been better than just about any other.”

Class President Andy Reuss is a senior studying politics and English.

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