Most Hillsdale students realize that while the first election of Barack Obama was survivable, his reelection spells absolute doom to freedom, liberty, and morality. But rather than wallow in despair, they now have the opportunity to make a difference in the world by leaving it. In a spaceship. Due to the detrimental outcome of America’s presidential election, Hillsdale College has decided to use its endowment funds to convert its clock tower into a rocket ship that will take a select group of students to a newly constructed moon colony. The ship will launch in early January after the 2012 apocalypse, and will establish a government similar to what the Founders intended—a free-market, Christian republic isolated from other countries. When asked for details on the voyage, Hillsdale President Dr. Arnn stated that “The colony will be like the Kirby Center, but on the moon. It will be a bastion of the liberal arts; a pure polis of conservatism.”
The project began at the behest of several major donors who wanted students to have a reasonable means of living despite this horrendous, irreparable damage to America. One donor commented, “Look, if the Israelites had a rocket ship to save them from Egypt, they wouldn’t have needed Moses to lead them around in the desert. Now that we have the technology and foresight to allow our children to avoid certain slavery to the Progressives, we should use it.”
Demand for seats on the voyage has surged; the line of students applying stretches around the block. As one student pointed out, “The Founders realized that England kinda sucked, so they left it. Why shouldn’t we do the same with America? I mean, it was salvageable before, but now that Obama’s back we’re gonna have **** like government healthcare and debt. It’s better just to start over on the moon.” And start over they will. Sources reveal that the new government will be a return to the principles of America’s forefathers—dispelling the rumor that Dr. Arnn would declare himself King of the Moon. The capital city of the new republic will be called “Aristotle D.C.”, since Aristotle practically wrote the American Constitution. In fact, the Constitution of this new nation will be virtually identical to America’s, but with a few small changes. Some of the more notable of these amendments include banning Progressivism, making Old Crow Medicine Show’s “Wagon Wheel” the national anthem, and installing an AJ’s Café in the lunar White House.
But not all Hillsdale students agree with the new lunar government’s policies. A group of hardy young rebels are holding a bake(d) sale to fund a spaceship mission to Mars: The Ron Paul. This colony will differ from the moon’s in several distinct ways. It will take non-interventionism to its appropriate measure by moving 225 million kilometers away from Earth. It plans to legalize and carry marijuana on its voyage, making it, as one student puts it, “one giant hotbox in space”. These libertarianauts are so committed to their principles that they will not bring any food on their mission, ending the Fed for good.
While the arguments these groups make are compelling, The Forum has decided to stay here on Earth. The truth is, acting like America is doomed based on a single election seems almost over dramatic to us, and if we didn’t know any better we might even say that this sort of mentality is alarmist. But even if Obama succeeds in his nefarious mission to burn America to the ground, The Forum is staying right here.