by Grace Bryant

Winner of the Dana & Elinor Kie “Rose Award”

Characters:
CHRISTOPHER: A plain, young man in a suit
DAN: An older man in an undershirt
PAULA: Dan’s tired wife
BETH: Dan and Paula’s neighbor, a Southern lady

Set Requirements:
3 free-standing doors, 2 ladders, a bouquet of flowers

Curtain opens on city street in the late afternoon. There is a row of townhouses represented by 3 doors. There is one ladder behind one door and two ladders behind another, representing windows. The street is quiet and there aren’t any people around. 

CHRISTOPHER comes up the street slowly. He is carrying a bouquet of daisies still in crinkly paper, obviously recently bought. He looks down at a piece of paper as he walks, then up at the door numbers as he passes them. He stops to read the note on his bouquet.

CHRISTOPHER: “To Jeanine. Just a little something that reminded me of you. From Christopher.” (pauses to look at the message) I sound like an old man (dejectedly takes on an old man voice) “To Jeanine. Just a little something that reminded me of you. From Christopher.” (returns to his normal voice) God, this is hopeless.

He looks at the paper again and finally finds the house he is looking for. He walks up to the door with purpose, but then freezes as he is about to ring the doorbell. DAN opens a window of a neighboring house and leans out.

CHRISTOPHER: (to himself) Ok, ok. Breathe. What are you going to say? “Hi Jeanine, just wanted to pop over to…” No, that is awful. Who says “pop over” anymore? Or “Jeanine, I enjoyed your point in the meeting yesterday about upbeat music in a customer’s shopping experience and wanted to ask…” Oh my god! That’s even worse.

DAN: (calling down) Having a bit of lady trouble there, kiddo? 

CHRISTOPHER looks up in a flash of surprise, alarmed that someone has watched him embarrass himself.

CHRISTOPHER: Um well, a little…yes. (glances down at his flowers)

DAN: That’s what they all say. Ok, how do you smell?

CHRISTOPHER: (sniffs his arm) Like a human male.

DAN: Well, that’s a start. How does your suit look? Turn around, give me the 360˚.

CHRISTOPHER turns around.

DAN: What a cheap atrocity of polyester. Got anything else?

What a cheap atrocity of polyester. Got anything else?

CHRISTOPHER: (defensively) Hey, this is the best I have!

DAN: Ah, that’s a shame. But what isn’t a shame is that you have me now. And I know quite a lot about the mysterious species of womankind. (straightens himself, smugly) 

CHRISTOPHER: (eyes DAN’s undershirt) You?

DAN: They tried to hide their ways from me, but I cracked the code. Like cracking the Enigma machine.

CHRISTOPHER: (with a quizzical brow) Are you comparing women to the German military?

Are you comparing women to the German military?

DAN: Don’t overthink it. All I mean is that I know what they like and what they don’t like. Capisce?

CHRISTOPHER nods.

DAN:  Ok, I’ll lay it down for you, starting with what they don’t like. First, they don’t like daisies. (gestures to CHRISTOPHER’S bouquet)

CHRISTOPHER: (looks down at the flowers in dismay) What’s wrong with these? I got them fresh today. Look! Not even wilted.

DAN: Listen, it’s not the state of the daisies that’s bad. It’s the flower choice itself. Who wants daisies? Do you think when a woman thinks about getting flowers from an admirer, she thinks about getting daisies? 

CHRISTOPHER: Well…no. 

DAN: Imagine a rom-com. It’s the climax of the movie. The leads are two friends realizing their love for each other or two strangers who met in a mall 2 days ago or something like that. He walks up slowly to her, hiding something behind his back. They share some quick lines that reference something from earlier in the movie. And then he reveals the flowers. What kind are they, you ask. Daisies? Nope! They’re roses. Always roses.

What kind are they, you ask. Daisies? Nope! They’re roses. Always roses.

CHRISTOPHER: (raising himself in defense.) But daisies are a sweet touch, I thought. They are playful and… (searches for a word) whimsical. 

DAN: (disbelieving) Whimsical?

CHRISTOPHER: These kinda remind me of my coworker. She seems bright and whimsical herself.

DAN: Good god. Are you going to tell her that yourself? That she’s whimsical?

CHRISTOPHER: Why not? What’s so bad about that?

DAN: Because she’s not a wood nymph. 

CHRISTOPHER: What?

DAN: What I’m trying to say is that calling her whimsical is not a great first impression. “Whimsical” is positive but its synonym is “kooky.” That sound romantic to you?

CHRISTOPHER: Not really. (pause) So, what do you suggest, what kind of flower?

DAN: Alright, you’re getting it now. The right kind of flowers are obviously roses. Hell, even lilies would work. Or carnations.

CHRISTOPHER: But wouldn’t it be stereotypical to get roses or lilies, then, if everyone gets those? Girls don’t get daisies a lot, wouldn’t that be special?

DAN: You’re not listening! It’s not about being adventurous and giving something most girls don’t get. If it is, you shoulda gotten her a trip to Kilimanjaro. Or a lobotomy! No, it’s about sticking to expectations. How much did you pay for those?

It’s not about being adventurous and giving something most girls don’t get. If it is, you shoulda gotten her a trip to Kilimanjaro. Or a lobotomy!

CHRISTOPHER: I am not cheap! Er..I am not that cheap. Sure, there was a sale but…that’s not the point! I didn’t buy the roses, but I don’t even know if she will say “yes” to a date yet. If I bought the roses and then she said no — 

DAN: That is no way to look at this situation. Wait there, I’m gonna do a little experiment and show you what I mean about the flowers.

DAN turns and shouts into the house.

DAN: Paulie! Get out here, will ya?

PAULA: (a muffled voice) Oh will you stop yelling!? Even corpses have ears! (comes to the window) Now, what do you want?

DAN: I’m trying to help this young man (gestures to CHRISTOPHER) with a romantic conquest and got a question to ask you.

PAULA: (looks down at CHRISTOPHER and sighs in annoyance) Shoot.

DAN: I just wanted to know if you would prefer to get roses or daisies from a fella.

PAULA: What’s the situation?

DAN: What situation!? A date, Paulie. A date. 

PAULA: Oh, a romantic date? Doing a little self-reflection, Dan?

DAN: What are you talking about? I gave you flowers on Valentine’s Day! Nice, big roses too.

PAULA: No, you got me the wilted, old roses that no one wanted. I bet Ronnie got you to buy them.

DAN: What does Ronnie have to do with this? He’s an old pal of mine; I trust him.

CHRISTOPHER has been edging back towards the door he was going to knock on as the couple argue and DAN notices.

DAN: Hey kiddo! Just a second. Honey, forget the Ronnie thing. What do you say? Roses or daisies?

PAULA: You know what?! I prefer daisies!

DAN: You do not! You are saying that to get back at me. This question is not about me. It’s for this young man…ehh… (looks to CHRISTOPHER) What’s your name, kid?

CHRISTOPHER: Christopher.

DAN: I am doing this for Christopher! For love! For —

PAULA: Oh, if you are so focused on love, why haven’t you taken me anywhere remotely romantic for years? That’s what I want to know!

DAN: Once again, Paula, you forget that nice fish restaurant I took you to a year ago! 

PAULA: You took me there after I reminded you it was our anniversary. You were trying not to look bad!

BETH appears through a neighboring window.

DAN: That is not true! I was waiting to surprise you.

PAULA: That’s a laugh! Then why did I hear you frantically calling an hour before we went? “Please, sir, my wife is gonna have my hide if you don’t squeeze me in a seat for two! I will give you anything! You like knock-off Rolexes?”

“Please, sir, my wife is gonna have my hide if you don’t squeeze me in a seat for two! I will give you anything! You like knock-off Rolexes?”

DAN: I did not sound like that! And it may be a knock-off, but you gotta admit it looks nice.

BETH: (in a southern accent) Excuse me! Excuse me! 

Everyone turns to look at her, including CHRISTOPHER.

BETH: I was just trying to put my daughter to bed, and I heard this arguing outside. Paula, Dan, if you would be so kind, would you two pipe down?

DAN: Beth, we were not arguing. We were having a discussion.

PAULA: (looking daggers at DAN) Yes, Beth. Our discussions are the decibel level of most arguments.

BETH: (with a little nervous laugh) Well, it sounded like a pretty big discussion to me. (notices CHRISTOPHER) I didn’t notice you there, dear. I’m Beth. What brings you to our neck of the woods?

DAN: This here is Christopher, and he is on a quest for love.

CHRISTOPHER just nods, somewhat overwhelmed by the situation.

BETH: How exciting! You know, I remember when I was just a little girl, well maybe not so young, and I had my first kiss behind the pig barn at the fair. It was the sweetest thing! Dan, ya ever done something sweet for Paula? Take her to a fair and buy her a caramel apple? 

DAN: Well, not a fair. Took her to see a stand-up set the other week. I was cracking up —

BETH: You really should take her to a fair. Nothing like it! With all the little critters and —

PAULA: (loudly) Who cares?!

BETH: Now, Paula. Don’t you get snippy with me! I was just suggesting something I thought y’all would like. You know, I can keep y’all in my prayers. 

DAN: You hear that, Paula? She’s trying to pray for us.

PAULA: Well, someone should be.

DAN: (voice raises) What does that mean?! 

CHRISTOPHER: Would you mind if I —

DAN: (talks over CHRISTOPHER) Tell me what you mean!

(PAULA and BETH talking over each other)

PAULA: (voice also raising) It means what you think it means. This is an argument, and you are an idiot, Dan. And if you want to talk here, let’s talk!

BETH: Y’all wouldn’t have had these problems with a proper courtship! Like with me and dear old Arnold!

(DAN’S, BETH’S, and PAULA’S dialogues overlap in a surge of emotion)

DAN: Paula, that’s not fair! I have done things for you! I am constantly sacrificing for you! And how do you respond? With anger! With resentment! You know how hard it is for me to slave away all day and you’re at home watching the cooking channel?! On your ass! Not even cooking! “I’m too tired, Dan.” “I don’t feel like cooking.” What are you tired from?! Using the remote?! If I’m an idiot —

BETH: He was such a darling! Could recognize every tree in a forest! “See here, Beth, that’s a river birch. And there’s a sourwood.” What a man! These days, no man knows how to act! Even those who were sweet young things once. No respect! No love! Back when they would bring you fresh milk and molasses candies, just to see you smile. What I would give to be back then, with Arnold. In those simple —

What a man! These days, no man knows how to act!

PAULA: (after DAN says, “I am constantly sacrificing for you”) You do not sacrifice for me! Every time you miss poker night, you let me know that! Always complaining! That is not sacrifice! And I do not sit around all day! I’m cleaning all the crap you and your friends leave around! It’s disgusti —

CHRISTOPHER: (as loud as he can) SHUT UP! Everybody, shut up!

Everyone immediately looks at him, surprised he is still there.

CHRISTOPHER: Look at you all! My god, you people. 

Silence for a second. BETH smiles quickly at CHRISTOPHER and glances at DAN and PAULA.

BETH: You’re right, Christopher. Good night…everyone.

BETH quietly disappears.

DAN: Kiddo…I…

CHRISTOPHER: Go on, Dan. I’ve got it.

DAN: (glances at his wife who is still staring pointedly at him, then back at Christopher) That’s it, kid. Well, maybe she will like “whimsical.” (waves goodbye to Christopher) Paula… (the rest of what he is saying fades as PAULA and DAN disappear from the window) 

CHRISTOPHER stands still. Then, like shaking off a daydream, he looks hard at the address again and approaches the door he was trying before. He goes to ring the bell, hesitates, then does it. As the door opens to reveal a cross looking woman, he closes his eyes and holds out the bouquet.

CHRISTOPHER: (in a rush) Jeanine, I am here to ask you out on a date.

WOMAN: Who the hell is Jeanine? 

CHRISTOPHER looks at the audience, shocked.

Curtain falls.

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Grace Bryant is a junior studying Theatre and French.