I came into Hillsdale with a series of expectations—one of which was to get a boyfriend. I had already heard so many “ring by spring” stories, I thought surely something similar was bound to happen to me. And if I couldn’t get a fiancé, I least hoped for a relationship. But one, two, three, and now almost four years have passed, and still nothing. As the time ticked down and my chances of finding someone at Hillsdale became slimmer and slimmer, doubt and shame started to creep in. I wondered, “Have I failed?”

           With pressure all around us, like seeing another couple get engaged or being asked once again on the status of your love life, it can feel like there’s something wrong with being single. But this feeling is a lie. Dating and marriage are not a series of standards to meet. If we can change our perspective and see them as blessings rather than requirements, we can free ourselves from this needless shame and find security in the midst of singleness.

Pressure from the Conservative World

           Out of a productive desire to build up the family, the conservative movement unfortunately goes too far sometimes and overemphasizes marriage. Conservatives tend to specifically present marrying young as almost a moral virtue, placing an unnecessary sense of urgency and guilt on single people. For example, Ben Shapiro blames the recent tendency of young people to delay marriage for “destroying the country and all of western civilization.” He and other conservatives do have a point: marriage and family are the bedrocks of a stable society and this delay is a sign of our culture’s underappreciation of them. But just because marriage is good for society doesn’t mean everyone has a responsibility to marry right away.

           You are not failing society by marrying later in life. Marrying young is not for everyone, especially since not everyone has control over it. And even in the “ideal” world where most people marry young, there is space for those who don’t, and it’s okay to be one of those people. Western civilization will still survive even if you marry after 25.

           Hillsdale, with its conservative culture, similarly puts pressure on people to marry young. And with so many students who do find their life-long partners here, it’s easy to assume that “ring by spring” is the only correct formula. But just because some people find happiness that way doesn’t mean it’s the only way. You will not be alone forever if you do not find your future spouse at Hillsdale. The world is bigger than this 1500-student college with plenty of opportunities to date outside of it. And an abundance of time exists outside of these four years as well. We still have our whole lives ahead of us, so graduation is not a deadline.

The truth is everyone’s lives differ in timing, and there is nothing wrong with that. Embrace the timeline of your own life instead of trying to copy someone else’s. Because the ideal isn’t necessarily to marry young; it’s to live the life God has planned out for you, whatever that is.

Pressure from Society

Pressure to date does not just come from the conservative movement but also from the world in general. Dating someone is a tangible sign of desirability and so can boost social status. Singleness can then imply the opposite of desirability and can even result in ridicule. Think of the “chad” meme in which the ideal male is contrasted with the pathetic “virgin,” as if being a virgin is something to be ashamed of. And it doesn’t help that society has set up artificial deadlines to meet certain milestones in life, such as first kisses and relationships in high school, if not earlier. And now teen romance books and movies treat losing your virginity in high school as the norm. Without these experiences, it’s easy to feel behind schedule. Fear can persuade us that our singleness, whether current or past, puts us at the bottom of the social ladder. 

In reality, social status is made up of more than relationship status. Plenty of popular people are also single because most people understand that singleness is not necessarily that person’s fault. And at the end of the day, even if people do judge, it doesn’t matter because human worth does not come from other people’s opinions.

Still, singleness can cause insecurity when we depend on interest from the opposite sex for personal validation. Everyone wants to be considered attractive—think of the self-esteem boost you get when someone flirts with you, even if you have no interest in that person. And while there is nothing wrong with this confidence boost, the problem comes in relying on it. Because after we stop receiving it, doubts can begin to surface, like, “I must not be good enough” or “I must be doing something wrong.” Our singleness then seems to become proof of inadequacy.

But a majority of the time, singleness simply comes from luck rather than a personal shortcoming. A lot of what goes into starting a relationship is being close to the right person at the right time. With so many factors out of the couple’s control, the relationship is really a blessing rather than an accomplishment. And if it’s not an accomplishment, then it can’t be a failing to be single, meaning there is no need to take it personally.

But what if it is personal? What about the instances when someone’s singleness does have to do with being unattractive? In those instances, it’s important to remember that attractiveness is not one-size-fits-all. Even if some people find someone unattractive, another person is bound to think differently. And ultimately, a person’s worth does not come from the ability to attract. So lacking this ability does not imply inadequacy. Yes, the inability to attract a partner would be sad, but only because of the loneliness it would cause, not because it would make that person any less than.

Pressure from Ourselves

           Even without these external pressures, internal standards based on our hopes and dreams can crush on us if left unfulfilled. Marshall Segal talks about this in his book Not Yet Married, saying, “We tend to define our life based on our perception of progress. Am I where I thought I would be at this age? Have I achieved what I thought I would? Are my dreams more or less real today?” As Segal points out, we can let certain plans and expectations become everything to us. Then when the future unfolds differently than expected, we assume we have failed simply because our plans have. But life is a journey, not a ladder. When things don’t go according to plan, it is not a step backwards but rather the next step forward, even if not in the direction we were hoping. Because life isn’t about goal achievement but rather accepting whatever God has in store for us.

           Even if God’s plan doesn’t align with our own, it is always better than ours and deserves our trust. Still, it can be hard, especially if we don’t observe him making any visible progress. We might fear he can’t be trusted to find a partner for us, even though if anyone has the power to make something happen it’s him. And another fear that can keep us from trusting is the possibility that God’s plan might not include what we want. It’s tempting to prioritize our desires over God’s plan out of fear that they might be in conflict.

But even if God’s plan for us does not include marriage, that is no excuse not to trust him because life is more than marriage. In his book, Segal goes on to say, “We need to ask if we have made marriage a qualification for a happy and meaningful life. Am I undone and miserable by the prospect of never being married?” It’s easy to see celibacy as a fate worse than death. But the truth is it is possible to find fulfillment outside of marriage. God has created many good things. Marriage is simply another one of his blessings rather than a necessity. So whether or not God has marriage in store for you, his plan is still good and worth surrendering to. If we surrender, it will free us from these expectations that only weigh us down.

Conclusion

           Singleness doesn’t have to be a burden. Of course, with the desire for a partner inherent in everyone, there will always be that longing. But we don’t need to make it harder on ourselves by holding ourselves to standards that only create insecurity. If we can disregard some of this unwarranted pressure, we can learn to appreciate this season of singleness instead of wishing it away. Use this time to invest in others, yourself, and God. Grab coffee with a friend. Volunteer at a local charity. Take up journaling. Or spend a little extra time in prayer every day. These are simple ways you can take advantage of your singleness, realizing it is just as valid a period of life as dating and marriage are. Instead of viewing it as a failing, be confident in your singleness and find ways to thrive in the midst of it.

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Alexandra Himebaugh is a senior majoring in English and minoring in dance.